Vampire Diaries Recap EP315 “All My Children”

Another normal day in Mystic Falls, another psycho in town. This had a few twists, but I found it a little dull for my taste, especially compared to last week’s fantastic Original’s ball. (I can honestly tell you the only reason I’m still watching is because I love seeing Paul Wesley on my TV, and I’m waiting for my Stefan/Elena heart to be happy again. I also promised I’d do these recaps for a certain site owner but that’s besides the point.) It was an okay episode, in my opinion. And Stefan Salvatore still remains fabulous.

Previously on The Vampire Diaries: The Originals were undaggered and they threw a super pretty ball. Esther’s plan really sucks considering we JUST got ALL the Originals together. Indiscretions happened.

So, starting off, how many times has Elena been shot waking up in the morning? It is not interesting, we don’t need that every 3 episodes, guys. But anyway, did you guys notice Stefan’s diary makes an appearance!? He still writes in his diary! Oh, the flashbacks to season 1. In case no one noticed what he was writing (because no one pays attention to such details during the first watch, plus Stefan has pretty handwriting too), we wrote: “I wallow in self-loathing. Better to close it off, bury it.” MY POOR BABY. He really hates himself. This is worse than the season 1 arc when we first saw him drink human blood. I really just want to give him a bear hug and hand him a bunny, hoping it’ll make him feel a little better. That poor boy deserves better than this. And look at this child, “Hey. I called you 10 times last night.” UM, girl. I’d block her number if she ever dared call me more than once. Damon was obviously busy, which I don’t approve of but whatever works I guess. Elena looked so confused. And she has no right to be upset about this. And it’s not about her, so she needs to get over that. “Shouldn’t you at least care about Rebekah?” This child is bi-polar.

So when is the Originals spin-off coming? Because Kol calling Rebekah a “strumpet” is pure fabulousness. The sibling bickery is much better than the Salvatore ones. Plus, Elijah is too smart for all of them.

“Damon the Vampire Gigalo”. Can Caroline be any more perfect? And someone tell me why Elena is complaining about Damon to Bonnie and then making Bonnie work harder on a spell that Elena can’t even do. This child is the worst. AND she’s scolding her about Esther coming to her and Abby for help. Listen, I’m not all for this new witch team, but girl shut up! Bonnie is a witch and witches defend nature. That’s what Esther is doing, in her own weird way. I’d be upset too, but you have to deal with that. In other news: Caroline remains perfect.

The only thing I have to say about this Stefan and Damon scene is, it is PERFECT. Damon screws up, Stefan scolds him a bit on the fact it is his fault, and there’s some bickering about Elena, which is always implied in every scene now but hey, I liked it this time. Only because of this:

Damon: “Whatever. Did you a favor. Now you can come in, sweep her off her feet.”
Stefan: “Nah, she’s better of without me. Sure as hell better off without you.”
Damon: “Fine. Neither one of us gets her.”

And I personally think that would be great if that happens in the end. (Don’t yell at me, I still hope for a Stefan and Elena ending, but not this version of Elena, she’s stupid.)

All the pretty awards for Daniel Gillies. Okay, moving on. There’s some sketchy stuff going on here, and Elena probably realizes that. Elijah is smart though, he knows. He knows everything he just needed to hear it from Elena for some reason. And then BAM, Elijah goes all badass and stomps holes in the ground like it’s normal.

SUCKS FOR ELENA. “Let me try and use my cell phone when I’m stuck UNDERGROUND.”

“Well I’m surprised you have time to call with all this Original Sex you’re having.” Well, damn Elena just tells everyone of what Damon’s been doing with his time. I just wanna know why she cares so much about this, they’re not even together at this moment. (NOTICE HOW STEFAN DIDN’T DRINK THE BLOOD THOUGH. Sorry, I’m just so proud of him) Anyway, these scenes with Ric and Meredith are always kinda weird though. Sometimes I like them, sometimes they’re weird. I’m a confused child okay. And there goes Klaus and Kol being charming creeps.

D’aww Bonnie and Abby. It would be a pretty nice scene if it wasn’t for the fact they’re teaming up with that horrible lady who wants to kill some of my favorite vampires. Basically, she just wants to use the Bennetts because they’re related to that witch she knew once upon a time forever ago, she’s pretty much just sucking their power, that’s nice.

OH HEY it’s Rebekah, this is fabulous. Elena and Rebekah together, that’ll be interesting.

So, Elijah throws down an ultimatum. Cut off the Bennett line somehow, before the moon is full and Esther reaches “full power” (that sounds a little weird but okay, let’s go with that), or Elena dies. This doesn’t phase me, let her die, her time has been past due, let’s stop cheating death.

Can I have more of Rebekah telling off Elena though because that entire scene was absolutely fabulous and sorta my exact feelings right now.

There’s some planning going on with Stefan and Damon, sharing of a blood bag although Stefan doesn’t seem to want it, and bringing in Ric to dagger an original. One goes down, they all go down.

(I literally have nothing to say about the rest of this episode, I’m sorry, bear with me though.)

“I’d rather die of thirst, thanks.” “Isn’t she stunning?” This is the funniest cat and mouse chase ever, let’s continue it for a while. Klaus is actually charming right now, I have mixed feelings.

Oh, it’s about to go DOWN. The ritual is being set up and Bonnie is playing 20 questions.

OH. OH. Look at Ric go! He just straight up daggered Kol in public. And there goes the rest of them. AND then Klaus goes all psycho on Caroline for a moment and I’m here like “THIS ISN’T FUN ANYMORE, DON’T HURT HER.” This is all really confusing me, I don’t know. Even Stefan looks confused. (He is my spirit animal, we are the SAME. Stefan and Paul.)

So when is Katherine coming back, I need her and Rebekah to team up and chase Elena around and maybe Elena will come to her sense and stop being a prude. But Elena was pretty smart to go into that one spot where vampires can’t enter.

D’aw Ric. This seems like a sweet scene, I might actually be shipping them right now but I don’t know, I’m still bitter about Aunt Jenna. Meredith is being nice and taking care of Ric, it’s sorta cute.

Team Badass Salvatore reporting. Not so badass, though, flipping a coin to find out who gets to kill one of the Bennett’s.

REBEKAH IS CRAZY AND I LIKES IT. *claps*. Please continue, I absolutely condone this behavior. Let’s all throw gasoline at Elena and shout at her how complicated she’s being at everything. Although, Elena kind of backfires Rebekah’s plans, even though she just gave her the idea that tormenting her for years is better than a quick death. That wasn’t so smart, to be honest.

Klaus, Elijah and Kol have crashed the party. I really like Esther’s accent, I want it. ANYWAY, this next scene, with Stefan and Bonnie, made my heart DROP. Sweet baby jesus, don’t ever do that to me again. I felt SO BAD for Stefan because I thought he was going to have to kill Bonnie or something, and I felt bad Bonnie too because she could’ve died and I LIKE BONNIE. BUT THEN DAMON just comes in and feeds Abby blood and snaps her neck and I’m dying here. That was the most action and suspense the entire episode had for me. Sh*t hits the FAN and they’re gone. Well.

See. I told y’all. Still crazy.

Here’s what I have to say about this: BLESS CAROLINE SO MUCH I LOVE HER THE MOST. Sort of. She’s SO right, though. Bonnie sacrifices EVERYTHING for Elena. And she’s ALWAYS the one to be hurt the most from it. First was Grams, and Jeremy, and almost dying in ‘The Last Dance’ and now Abby. (I’m sure there’s more than that, I’m having a brain fart moment, I know.) Everyone puts Elena first, like she’s some god sent angel or something, whatever! But no one considers the consequences after the fact, for everyone else, especially Bonnie. All her friends lay down their life for her and I barely remember a time when Elena has done that for them, if there was one. She’s always there to console them after anything has happened, great, but I cannot remember one time she almost lost something she cared about for her friends. (Aunt Jenna doesn’t count!)

I wonder what Damon’s hiding in the soapdish these days. Oh by the way, I may be one of the only people who enjoy the Salvatore friendship/brotherly love SO MUCH. I wish the series finale can include those two making up for lost time, making amends with one another, and screwing Elena over completely by riding off into the sunset in Damon’s car.

Elijah is the classiest, I love him so much. I’ve found a recent love of voiceovers, btdubs.

Aaaand, Elijah and Rebekah seem to be okay again, sort of. So are Klaus and Rebekah. This is nice.

WELP, I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING. THERE’S A NEW TREE.

I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING EITHER. RIC AND JENNA FOREVER. STOP TRYING TO KILL HIM, HE’S NOT A CAT, HE DOESN’T HAVE 9 LIVES, HIS RING IS RUNNING OUT OF JUICE. HE CAN’T DIE. I should’ve known though, Torrey only does psycho roles.

(I don’t wanna lose him, he’s too pretty to die.)

1912 episode up next! That’ll be fun.

Screencaps: HomeOfTheNutty