Vampire Diaries Recap EP310 “The New Deal”. Be Gone Hell-atus!

It’s back! The Vampire Diaries has returned and all is right in the fandom! Many of us were very excited for the show to return, and relieved when the countdown came to mere hours. It was such a long hiatus than we’re used to. Last night’s episode was compiled of a lot of very exciting and frustrating events, for me at least. I will say, The New Deal is not in my top ten. I did enjoy a few things, but very few. And since this is my first recap of 2012, I’m going to try to make these a bit shorter, less of my initial reactions and more of just how I feel and why everyone may or may not suck. I could just sum it all up into “Elena sucks really bad and Damon is an ungrateful jerkoff. Stefan was in it for about 10min and remained flawless. Something happened I don’t want to talk about plus someone left who I didn’t want to leave, and then there was Dr. Fell.” but I’m not. Anyway, here we go!

Previously on The Vampire Diaries: (Aw, Steven said the “Previously”). Klaus was a major jerk and I hated him for making Stefan a jerk, although it was fun for a few minutes. Stefan saved Damon, again, and Klaus freed him. Elena sucks for saying to let Stefan go. And Stefan became even more badass by stealing Klaus’ family.

We begin with a Bonnie scene, which I thought was fabulous because Bonnie is fabulous. AND we get the plantation back! Bonnie ended up finding the coffins, and guess who’s sleeping in one? Klaus! Only it wasn’t really him because he wasn’t all daggered and full of veins and grey and sometimes, Vampire Diaries likes to tease and trick us. But, Bonnie finally has her own room! Let us take in this moment, enjoy it, relish in it, pause it and stare, because lord knows when we can see it again.

I would like to know when Elena started running. It’s her fault these things keep happening to her. She needs to stay safe but she never does. Honestly, if this continues, I’d have a Stefan poker face on if she ends up “dying”. Big props to the CW for having cute creepy stalker runners.

Is this real? Is this actually happening? A Bonnie and Elena scene?! Oh, how I’ve missed these! Let’s have more of these. Elena’s talking about her running stalker and Bonnie talks about her witch-dream. And then there’s a Stefan mention. “He betrayed us, Bonnie. Stefan that we know is gone”. Shut up, Elena.

Damon day drinking is always fun. Sometimes he really annoys me but people seem much more fun and less of jerks when they’re drunk. Also, I still think Alaric should be mad at Damon for killing back in…. whatever episode that was. Friends don’t kill friends! Oh, and Jeremy is failing and was fired from Mystic Grill. When I heard he was fired, my heart stopped and I said “What, no more cute Matt and Jer scenes in the storage room? WHY? And who will Matt borrow shirts from when his two are in the laundry hamper?”.

Jeremy with a crossbow! And Tyler! The bromance scenes are adorable. I missed them but when did they start hanging out again? “I’m a hybrid, Gilbert. You can’t kill me unless you cut off my head or rip out my heart”. Tyler is getting overly cocky again and it’s not cool. What was cool was when he caught that arrow like Stefan and Damon did once back in season two.

Elena and Damon scene. Don’t care. They both suck. Let me take a moment and search for my barf bag. Praise baby Jesus! Klaus interrupted! “I just came to my local pub to grab a drink with my mate”. That sounded absolutely fantastic in his accent! I giggled! Anyway, he wants his sister back, and maybe Stefan and the rest of his coffins. And why is everyone SO good at darts? I mean, really!

Bonnie decides to relive her dream, which if season one memory serves me right, it’s never a good idea. But it’s okay because Stefan shows up! So happy to see his beautiful face.
Stefan followed Bonnie to the plantation, he needs Bonnie to keep the coffins hidden. She might not have the juice for it. We’ll see.

I don’t know what Alaric and Elena we’re setting up for but all they really wanted to do was confront Jeremy. Jeremy ain’t having it because he made plans with Tyler. (SO cute). I thought it was fantastic that all he cared about was that Tyler was waiting outside. And Elena’s face when Jeremy invited Tyler in, awesome! Everyone’s invited to the Gilberts’ all the time.

Klaus and Damon have a drink! If Vampire Diaries tries to set up a Damon and Klaus bromance, all has gone to hell and nothing will be better than Klefan. I’m just saying! “Yeah, well, you know me. Never miss a chance to plan epic failure”. I’m really starting to LOVE the fact that people on the show are starting realize how much they completely SUCK. It’s so endearing! I hope Elena’s next.

Tyler has hybrid haters all around. He’s trying really hard to explain to Elena and Alaric the difference between compulsion and being sired, but he’s just not making sense. Saying Klaus wouldn’t ask him to jump off a bridge, or rip his heart out but if he did ask then maybe he’d rip his heart out…? You guys, I don’t understand hybrid.

Aw, look at Klaus and Damon bonding over drinks. He tells Damon that Stefan took away his coffins but Damon don’t care, he apparently doesn’t work for Klaus. But Klaus makes a really cryptic and creepy phone call, it was weird.

And back at the Gilberts, Jeremy just got off the phone. Hm. While Elena and Alaric are talking about Tyler’s hybrid cult influence problem, Jeremy done disappeared. And THIS is that scene in the promo when the Homecoming episode ended where everyone on twitter was like “JEREMY! WHAT are you DOING?” Well, now you know. And, Alaric being the selfless person he is, pushed Jeremy out of the way and got run over himself. That was one major “OMG” moment! Turns out that Elena’s hybrid stalker was the one driving.

Well, I don’t really know what Klaus is doing in that place (building a new house?) but it turns out that Tyler was involved in the grand scheme of things! Oooh, plot-twist! Sort of. tyler was buddies with Jeremy again to get him off vervain, but he wears a vervain bracelet so I didn’t understand that. Continuity is not the show’s strongest spot. Anyway, Tyler was all confused that Klaus wanted him to kill his new best bud, but Klaus just mentioned that humans are of no importance. Basically, hybrids rule the world.

Any normal family would have immediately called 911 for an ambulance. “It’s cool, he had his magical mystic ring on. We can just wait for him to come back”. That’s kind of getting old and tired, don’t you think? It’s like that time when Jeremy wanted to do vampire hunting like things and every time someone was concerned he would die he just says, “It’s cool, man. I have my ring!” and then he’d show the ring off. That stuff tires me. But Jeremy had a good point. They should all just leave town. (I realized this was foreshadowing but last night when I watched it, I didn’t pay much attention).

Elena decides to look for these coffins and calls up Bonnie. She was all like “Listen girl, don’t drag me into this crap. Stay out of it, for once” and sat down. Poor Bonnie. She told anyway. Plus, I really really LOVE that the dead witches at the plantation STILL hate Damon. It’s fantastic. “Stefan?” “Go away.” I giggled! Stefan is funny but I still want the season one Stefan back. “Elena, stop talking.” You see! That was good. But then, Elena goes and slaps Stefan! The hell, child!? Don’t you understand that in the grand scheme of things, in the bigger picture, Stefan is doing this to get rid of Klaus for good? Oh, if I ever get a chance to slap Elena, I would!

Now Damon decides to go inside and talk to Stefan. I laughed at Damon struggling to get in. Go dead witches! Excuse me, Damon! What is this fighting? And the kick?! And the stake in the stomach?!
Damon: “That is for screwing up my plan! You stop me from killing Klaus and steal his family. Why?! It doesn’t make sense! Answer me!”
Stefan: “Piece by piece, Klaus took everything from me, I’m doing the same to him.”
Damon: “But I had him, Stefan! Why’d you screw it up?!”
Stefan: “I did it to save you!”
FINALLY. He tells him! And what does Damon do? He stakes Stefan, again!, and tells him to saving him. LISTEN YOU JERK. WHEN SOMEONE SAVES YOU, YOU SAY THANK YOU AND YOU BE GRATEFUL, DAMMIT.

Jeremy shows up in the woods with a crossbow aimed at Tyler! He’s gotten real serious lately. “You stab my back, I stab your back”. I can agree with that. I’m so glad Jeremy has grown up a little more than before. He’s making a lot of sense to me. I mean, it’s Klaus, dude! Of course something is going to happen to someone you care about. It’s what he does! Tyler hasn’t been thinking straight at all and this loyalty to Klaus needs to end already. I never liked Douche Tyler in season one, I’m not gonna like Douche Tyler Hybrid 2.0 in season three.

Hey look! Alaric’s awake! It’s about time. I think it took him all day to wake up from that, and he still looks horrible. AND he’s coughing up blood! I guess this may be where we meet Dr. Fell. Oh, wait, it’s Elena’s stalker! So maybe not. It was nice knowing you, Ric. For a moment, I thought Elena was going to invite him in, because being Elena, she would. Then JerBear showed up all badass and shot him with a crowssbow! AND look at that! He even chopped the guy’s head off! Go Jer! Did you guys SEE Elena’s face?! She’s thoroughly repulsed by the sight of that. Can you imagine her therapy sessions? So funny.

So, now Damon comes back to the plantation. “Why save me?” Listen Damon, don’t tempt me to take a trip to a Mystic Falls and kill you myself so Stefan won’t have to save you anymore, okay man! Be grateful you’re still alive, because I wouldn’t have saved you after the first time. Listen to Stefan and just go away. There’s always another way, Damon. Stefan is the smarted brother. Granted not by much sometimes, but still. And honestly, even after all the CRAP that has happened between these two, I LIVE for the Salvatore brother scenes.

Aaaaannnd… enter Dr. Fell! Finally. Welcome to The Vampire Diaries, Torrey DeVitto! We know that Paul is thrilled to have you on set more often these days, and some of us look forward to the Nanny Carrie shenanigans Dr. Fell may or may not attempt. Here’s something pretty major for the book fans, so I’ve heard. Dr. Fell is actually Meredith Fell. (And I’m sure most of you read spoilers so you already knew that, anyway). So, after three seasons, we finally meet Meredith. Let’s see how this goes. It might take me a whiiiiiilllee to get comfortable with the Meredith/Alaric dynamic because I loved Jenna SO much with Ric. This is gonna be hard, guys.

At the Salvatore boarding house, Elena seems to up to some of her own shenanigans, calling Klaus over to give him Rebekah. And she told him that Rebekah knows Klaus killed their mother. That’s really going to SUCK for him when she wakes up. We all know how fiesty Rebekah can be.

I think it’s hilarious Alaric much rather have head trauma than owe Damon a drink. This scene is sort of cute; Alaric being fatherly and Jeremy venting a little bit about chopping up hybrids. Typical run-of-the-mill American family.

Who knew Elena would be cleaning up blood. That’s a first. Oh there’s Damon again. I liked them better in season one. “I don’t trust Stefan. You think he’s just gonna give up the coffins?” Shut! It! Elena! Stefan is better than everyone in Mystic Falls! He is the reason my friends‘ unicorns live!

That’s another sad scene for Klaus this year. He really has raging family issues. As twisted as it seems, he really does care a lot for his family. It might be why he carries them around like luggage. But I won’t read too much into this scene. He’s really sad and lonely and he cries again and my heart hurt for him just for a moment.

This scene! Is really sad. I don’t like Elena’s decisions. I don’t want Jeremy to leave! He’s become relevant! He doesn’t have any family friends in Denver! “Tell him he’s gonna leave Mystic Falls behind and never think twice about it.” And that is when I started to cry. It was a beautiful scene and Ian Somerhalder’s delivery on every line was great.

There also seems to be one coffin that just won’t open, even after everything Stefan tried to do. That’s going to be interesting, and possibly solved in next week’s episode.

I hate this entire scene. Damon sucks and so does Elena. Twitter exploded when it happened and I. Was. Pissed. During the same day Stefan told Damon that he saved his life, yet again, and then goes back to Elena and tells her the same thing, Damon kisses his brother’s girl. Tell me, what kind of absolute SHIT is that?! Damon doesn’t understand the concept of “Bro’s before hoes” at all. (Excuse me for that foul language, it was needed for a moment). And then, Elena being the “confused” person as she is- that’s putting it in nicer terms- doesn’t even pull him away, doesn’t slap him, doesn’t do anything really! She just stands there! If it wasn’t for the fact that I love being on this site and posting and doing recaps and seeing Paul Wesley on my screen every week, I would have been done with this entire show after this episode. How can we have Stefan and Elena together again after something like that happens? Sigh, I’m still really upset and it doesn’t help to watch it TWICE. Damon and Elena should just ‘get it on’ and get that over with. Because I can’t deal with the eyesex Damon constantly gives Elena. It’s worse than what she gives him.

Next week: Stefan threatens Klaus to remove his hybrids because he’s a badass. And it seems like a lot of stuff goes down next week.

(P.S. I tried but I don’t think I made this any shorter. Sigh. Sorry guys. Ha! It’s a work in progress.)